


Bleak

by RioRiley



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Cancer, F/M, Rey Needs A Hug, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:00:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24735046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RioRiley/pseuds/RioRiley
Summary: Ben finds out he is dying on the same day he and Rey find out that she is pregnant.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 25
Kudos: 135





	1. The Beginning

Ben finds out that he is dying the same day that he and Rey find out that she is pregnant. It was a miracle that they had even gotten pregnant. Ben had been sick before. He'd gone into remission shortly before he met Rey and has been told that the chemotherapy treatments he had been on would likely cause infertility issues for about five years. He and Rey hadn't even been trying to get pregnant really. It just coincidentally happened, in about a two month window from when the doctors estimated his sperm would be affected, and the day he was diagnosed for the second time. The baby is a miracle, but there is no real hope for a miracle concerning Ben. 

There's a large colony of tumors in his lungs. They're growing quickly and are likely to spread to other terminal areas of his body within months even if he goes through with the treatments, his doctors say. Going on chemotherapy again might buy him an extra six months. Which Ben considers worth it in comparison to the grim two month timeline his doctors give him if he chooses not to receive treatment. At least if he does the treatments, he has a chance of meeting their baby. And that small chance is all Ben needs. The chance of a few weeks, or even days with their baby is better than nothing. Ben decides he has to do whatever it takes. 

Ben had gone in for his scans early in the morning, knowing something was wrong. It had gotten difficult to breathe recently, and he had noticed he was having a hard time doing little things, like going up and down the stairs, or even standing up from the couch. The nurses had told him they would call with the results from his scans within a few days. Instead, he received the call the same day, as he sat in the waiting room with Rey. She had been nauseous. She'd taken a clear blue test, which had come back positive and they had both decided to double check with a doctor. 

So there they sat. Finding out the worst news and the best news they could have hoped for minutes apart. It was completely unfair.

They sit in the office with the oncologist who in the past couple of hours has already been assigned to Ben's case.

"Your chances are bleak." The doctor states simply when Ben asks about it. "Your chances of survival are zero. At this point the only reason I would recommend treatment is to put off the inevitable."

"We have to do it." Ben says simply, firm in his position.

"The treatments would be unbearable and the reward might not be comparable." The doctor counters.

"She's pregnant." Ben says quietly.

"How far along?" The oncologist asks.

"A little over two months. 10 weeks." Rey says proudly yet wearily.

"Ben, best case scenario is that with the most extreme treatments available to you, you might survive just long enough to see the baby." The doctor says frankly.

"Then I have to do it. I have to have that chance. I need to fight for that chance." Ben says again with firmness.

They get out into the parking lot and sit tiredly in their CUV. Their emotions are complicated. Part of them wants to be absolutely elated, for they are going to be parents, but the other part of each of them is absolutely terrified because not only are they bringing a tiny human into this world, but Ben will die soon after it's born.

Ben looks over at Rey. There's a silent tear falling down her cheek.

"I don't know how to feel." Rey admits to him quietly.

"How about, just for today at least, we pretend I'm not ill. I know we can't ignore it forever, but just for today can't we feel the joy?" Ben asks. Rey smiles, and nods sadly.

"I love you Ben Solo." She smiles sadly. He kisses her cheek.

"I love you too darling." He says, before placing his large hand over her abdomen. "And I love you too little bean." 

"Bean?" Rey questions.

"Like a sweet little jelly bean." Ben says with an embarrassed laugh and a shrug.

Telling Ben's family was difficult. Rey, an orphan, didn't have to worry about the stress involved in giving the news to her parents. Telling his parents was hard. How were they supposed to do it? Invite his parents out for lunch, and give them the option of whether they wanted the good or bad news first? Was it the kind of thing they could get away with saying over the phone or did it require an in person confrontation? What was the right way to tell your parents that you are simultaneously bringing a new life into the world while dying?

As it turns out, there is no perfect way to deliver such news. There is no wiki how tutorial on the conversation. No online forum, or te to write a letter to a newspaper editor in hope that they will have the answer.

Rey and Ben take a long drive a few days after finding out their news, out to his parents house. All Ben had said over the phone was that they needed to talk. He couldn't think of any other way to get the point of urgency across without giving either piece of news over the phone. 

They sit down on the porch of Ben's childhood home, and Leia beings them each a can of Coke. 

"What did you come all the way out here for?" Han asks getting straight to the point of the matter.

"We have news." Ben says shakily. Rey notices his voice start to quiver and quickly grabs his hand. She puts her thumb over his hand, rubbing circles on the top.

"Is everything okay?" Leia asks. Rey watches Ben get even more nervous than before.

"I'm pregnant." Rey says softly.

Han and Leia look supposed to say the very least. "That's great news!" Leia says excitedly. Han looks at Ben, knowing there is more to be said.

"What else?" Han asks quietly.

"Ben is sick. He's dying." Rey says so quietly she's not sure either will be able to hear her. No matter how quietly she had said those words, there was no way for his parents to miss them. 

Leia all but crumbles to the floor. She's looking between Rey and Ben, not sure what to do. Every part of her wants to congratulate them, to place her hand on Rey's stomach. But a part in her just as big wants to grab her son, and hold him.

"I'm so sorry." Han says quietly. "This isn't fair and you don't deserve it." He puts a guiding hand on Ben's shoulder. "There's nothing we could say to make this any better."

"How are you feeling?" Leia asks both of them ironically. They both nod. 

*How can we help you?" Han asks. "There has to be something we can do. Our house is closer to the hospital. If you need, you can absolutely stay here." Han says and Leia nods.

They get back into the car, after picking at their lunches. Ben drives a few blocks away, and makes a couple turns until he is absolutely sure that his parents cant see them. He pulls the car over and starts to sob.

"I feel like I failed them." He admits quietly. "I wasn't supposed to get sick again."

There's nothing Rey can say to make him feel better. She hates that feeling. She just tells him she loves him, and let's him cry into her shoulder in the church parking lot. 

They sit there, both of them end up crying for about twenty minutes, before Ben decides that neither of them are going to cry about it anymore.

Two months pass. Ben has completed two rounds of chemotherapy, and Rey is in her second trimester. The treatments are reading havoc on Ben's body. He's tired all the time. He has next to no energy. They're both constantly nauseous. It's a cruel coincidence.

Ben goes in for Chemo every day for a week, and then has two weeks off. It's absolute hell. Rey drops him off each morning at the hospital, and waits for him in the parking lot until he has finished. Ben has insisted on multiple occasions that she doesn't have to wait for him. She insists she wouldn't be able to focus on anything anyway. So she sits in the hospital parking lot, and crochets little things for the baby. Blankets, hats, and little socks. Then,when it's time for him to come out, she pulls their car up to the hospital doors, and waits for him by the door. He inevitably comes to the car, and gets into the passenger seat. She kisses his forehead.

He takes a deep breath.

She drives them home, and they take a nap together. Some days after chemo, Ben is extremely hot, and can't handle having any blankets on him, let alone wearing anything more than his boxers. Other days, he's freezing. Rey puts a couple extra soft blankets on his side of the bed. He borrows her fluffy socks, though he wouldn't dare admit that to anyone. She cuddles him.

Today is one of the cold days. Their car has separate temperature control for the driver and passenger, and almost as soon as Ben sits down he has turned the heat up a little on his side. They get home and he changes into a fresh pair of sweats, that don't smell like the hospital, and puts on a hoodie. Rey washes his clothes he wore at the hospital. By the time she has started the load, she gets upstairs to find Ben pulling on a pair of her socks. She smiles at him, asks if there is anything she can do for him. He shakes his head softly.

"Do you need a cuddle buddy?" Rey says with a wink. Ben wiggles his eyebrows. She climbs in next to him, he's behind her and has his arms wrapped around her, his hands resting at her slightly protruded abdomen. 

"Are you feeling okay?" Rey asks him.

"Just nauseated." Ben says quietly. "How are the two of you?" He asks.

"I'm doing good. The baby is moving around more. My doctor says in the next couple of weeks you should be able to feel it." Rey says with a proud smile.

Ben falls asleep holding her, his head nestled into the back of her neck. He sleeps for about two hours, before he wakes up quickly, and heads for the bathroom to throw up. It's a regular occurrence. Rey has even put in a fluffier rug in front of the toilet so that it's easier on his knees. She's considerate.

When he returns to their bed, she offers him a couple of orange tic tacs. He says they are the only thing to make the sour taste of his vomit go away. He takes them, of course.

They paint the nursery pink.


	2. The end

Rey is six months pregnant. She's showing, but that didn't take long to happen. She has a small frame, and as of about two months ago, it was obvious to anyone who looked at her that she's pregnant. But now, it's like she has swallowed a honeydew melon whole. Ben loves it.

Ben is on oxygen full time, to supplement the half assed work his lungs are putting in. It's a little canula, hooked up to a small tank of oxygen that he uses during the day. He has a bigger machine for nighttime. He's in a lot of pain. Rey can see it in his eyes. The treatments are really starting to take a toll on him. His doctors have him on a medication, a type of chemo, that comes to them in pre-filled syringes, that Rey injects him with once a week in his abdomen. They have the same side effects as infusion based chemotherapy treatments, but give him the opportunity to just be home. It gives him the chance to be in the hospital as little as possible.

He's weak. He's skinny. He's tired. He's bald. He thinks he looks absolutely ridiculous. He can barely move. Most days he just stays in the same place in their bed, sleeping, with short twenty minute periods where he wakes up for a bit, before inevitably falling back asleep. They've given him a catheter, to emtpy his urine, and put him on a feeding tube, because his body has stopped processing nutrients the right way. 

He's dying. They both know it. 

Rey spends all her time with him whenever he's awake. She lays down next to him, and he wraps his arms around her, resting his hands on her stomach, tapping his fingers to make the baby move. A lot of times, he doesn't even have the energy to talk anymore. He's so tired.

There's a night, about eight months into her pregnancy, when Rey wakes up in the middle of the night, to find Ben shaking on his side of the bed, crying silently in pain.

"Darling please talk to me." Rey says soothingly, turning on a dim light on her side of the bed, and putting her hand on his shoulder.

"It hurts so bad. It hurts to breathe" Ben says quietly. "I'm not going to make it. I won't get to meet her." 

He's sobbing now. Rey knows that will only hurt his lungs more. The strain of his sons on his lungs is brutal.

Rey rubs her hand soothingly on his side.

"I know." Rey says quietly. "And it's okay Ben. I know how badly you wanted to meet her. I know how hard you tried, but darling you don't have to fight anymore. We're going to be okay Ben." Rey says through loving tears.

"I can't do this anymore." Ben says quietly.

"You don't have to Ben." Rey says. 

Ben hold Rey tightly. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay Ben. You don't have to do the treatments anymore." Rey says. "You can rest."

Two weeks later, and Ben's parents have been quietly sitting in their bedroom all day, watching Ben, talking to him even though he is asleep. Waiting for him to die.

Rey lays in the bed next to him. He's been asleep for over 24 hours. His hair has come in the slightest fuzz on top of his head. Rey glides her fingers over his head, over and over, the same motions she used to use to run her fingers through his hair when it was long. She sings him little songs, like you are my sunshine, and the song they danced to at their wedding. She mostly just talks to him. Tells him about her hopes for their little girl. She tells him she hopes she looks like him, but with her ears. She tells him she hopes she is as courageous as he is. That she hopes she is as willing to love people as he is. That she hopes she will stand up for others. That she hopes she will be kind. That she will be creative. She tells him she will make sure their baby knows who he is. That she will know how much he loved her. That she will know how hard he fought to meet her. She promises him that their baby will grow up knowing how much he loved her.

And then he dies. It's nothing dramatic. Nothing very sad. One minute he is breathing, and his heart is beating and the next he is just gone. 

Their baby arrives on her due date. She has his dark hair. It's fuzzy and sticks up everywhere. She's beautiful. 

"Hi sweet girl." Rey says as the doctor lays the brand new baby on her chest. The baby cries for the first time. A cute, squeaky little wail. "You miss your daddy don't you? I bet you had a lot of fun with him the past two weeks. Do you know how much he loved you? I'm jealous he got to know you before I did. Don't worry little one. He's not too far. He's always with us."


	3. Note

Hey! So I'm in college, and I've written an actual book. Like paper. Physical copy book. I have lived writing on Ao3, and I owe the world to my people here who have read the things I have written. It means the world.

Check out my book:   
https://www.blurb.com/b/10367532-sicker


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